I was bullied in junior school and I think that was down to my confidence issue and also when I first noticed I lacked in confidence. I was around 11 years old when I got bullied and I can honestly say it was one of the worst times of my life. At that age you should be worrying about who your best friend is that week or which boy you fancied the most in your class, not running home from school and locking yourself in your room worrying and crying your self to sleep, thinking what have I done to make someone make me like this. The worst thing was this girl was supposed to be one of my friends, and that’s not what friends do. I was to quiet to fight back and just took it and I think that’s why I was the easy target. Bullies will always pick on the weakest person because it makes them feel more superior, they would never pick on someone who would fight back.
Bullying is one of my biggest fears for Heidi, for her to feel the way I felt would break my heart and I pray to god it never does or on the flip side I hop she never becomes the bully. Heidi is a really shy little girl which I am really surprised about seen as though she has been going to nursery since she was 9 months old and mixed with so many different children and adults. I hope once the new baby comes along it will knock the shyness out of her. I took her to baby ballet when she was 18 months old which I though might help her to interact with other children but that didn’t go to well. I think she might of been a bit to young and hoping in the next couple of months to take her and she might enjoy it because if there’s one thing Heidi loves to do is dance.
My lack of confidence continued in to secondary school and if it came to speaking in front of the class I would stumble my words, go bright red and just want to run the hell out of there. OMG if I knew I had to do a talk a few days in advance I would worry about it for days and try and think of an excuse to get out of it. It showed in my exams too, teachers would say at parents evening to my mum that I could do the work and knew the answers but when it came to exam’s I would panic and that was down to my confidence and not believing in myself. I used to think when I am older I wont be like this because adults always look confidence.
It did follow me to adult hood and when I would meet new people I would be so quiet and not speak until I got to know them, it was exactly the same when I meet Keith and he thought I didn’t like him because I hardly spoke on our first date – I sometimes wonder why he actually wanted a second date, haha that’s were my lack of confidence come in. Since having Heidi it has improved and I love meeting new people and have the confidence to speak to them, I haven’t got that thought in the back of my mind will they like me, am I interesting enough. But my confidence is now in other way, Keith will say to me you don’t have much confidence in yourself do you. Even down to posting pictures on Instagram, I try to cut my face off pictures or use filters. If we go out I always pick holes in my appearance asking, “do I look fat in this, does this look ok?”